Driving

“Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there is something wrong with him.” ~Art Buchwald, "How Un-American Can You Get?," Have I Ever Lied to You?, 1966

It’s true. To get by in America, unless you’re under 16, drunk or otherwise impaired, you have to drive. It’s basically a law. You can put it off for a while but eventually, you’ve got to take the wheel.

I passed my driver’s exam yesterday. I managed to hold out for three years longer than society expects but with the election year, I needed to register to vote and frankly, you can bum rides off of people for quite some time but after a while you feel like an asshole.

So, when I returned from Iowa, I began a very strict driver regimen with my father. I never went to Driver’s Ed. Tip for Poor People: Driver’s Ed is fucking expensive. Even taking an online class costs $99 and in the classroom is around $300. I’m not spending half of my bank account to learn how to drive. Also, I don’t how it works in other states but Colorado doesn’t care if you’ve completed Driver’s Ed. All I had to do was come in and pass the test. So, the lesson here, children, is don’t waste your money. Get one of your parents, or an adult you trust to teach you how to drive. It’s a really good bonding experience and it doesn’t cost $300.

This being said, drive with a person who can be calm while teaching you to drive. My father is one of the calmest people I know. He gives commands and gentle reminders in a soft and measured tone, raising his voice only a few decibels when I was about to kill us both. My mother is not calm when I drive. She gasps, holds her breath and generally panics. I love my mother to death but driving with a panicky person makes the driver panicky and that leads to mistakes.

I drove with my father every day, with a few exceptions, everyday since the 26th of December 2009. We drove on snow, ice, and downtown and in residential areas. It’s important to get a wide range of driving experience as it’s a very unpredictable activity. I also made a point to drive around the DMV where I would be taking the test. One should be as familiar as possible with the area one wants to drive in.

Yesterday was nerve wracking. My test was at 10:45. The DMV recommends you show up 20 minutes early. I think the DMV is like purgatory.



I came in and saw people of all ages, races, genders, and creeds with one thing in common. They were bored out of their minds. It’s a sad lonely place with nothing on the walls, except a few posters about seat belts. I stood in line.

A woman named Denise took my information and my driver’s permit and told me to wait until they called my name. I asked if I had to take a written test and she told me I already passed it when I got my permit. I got my permit at 17 and apparently I never have to know about the rules of the road again. This only scares me when I think about it. I waited.

They called my name. I was introduced to a man named Jimmy. Jimmy had a small goatee and a bit of a tummy. He told me to come outside.

The DMV makes you use your own car (or your parent’s car) for the examination. I like that because I’m used to the Mazda. Jimmy told me to signal and turn on the breaks. Then he got in and then we drove. I drove, he sat there and took notes.



The Mazda

You don’t need to know about the rest of the test. You do need to know that I hate driving. Riding and driving are two very different things. When you ride in the car, you can sit back, relax, turn on the radio and look out the window. When you drive, you need to be alert at all times. This means no fucking about with the radio and no staring out the window contemplating the universe. The only time you look out the window is to check and make sure you’re not about to kill something and no one is about to kill you. Driving requires for your attention to be spilt at least three ways. You have to watch your speed, watch the people around you and make sure you aren’t doing anything stupid, like drifting into on coming traffic. This is assuming you are out on an open highway with no lights and no need to turn.

Also, driving is boring. And dangerous. It’s the one activity where I could die a fiery and painful death and still think “What’s on TV later?” Boring and dangerous is a bad combination because, as we’ve discussed, safe driving requires concentration, and when I’m bored, my mind wanders into strange places. After the test was over, Jimmy told me that I got too distracted. At that moment, I noticed attractive young gentlemen and tuned out for five seconds before I realized what I was doing. Had I been driving at that point, I would have tuned out for five years and woken up in a hospital bed. The only time I find driving interesting or even entertaining is when I’m speeding.

Speeding is frowned upon by most driving instructors although I hear that the autobahn in Germany doesn’t have any speed limits. Yet another reason to travel.

Anyway, I passed the test, though probably against Jimmy’s better judgment. I get my license in seven to fourteen days- which means my parents will get it since I’ll be in Iowa. I don’t have a car in Iowa so it’s really more of a status symbol- symbolizing of course my acceptance into pseudo adulthood. Big deal. I don’t like driving but it’s necessary in this country because sometimes you want to go places by yourself and they’re not accessible by bus.

So to summarize, if you live in or plan to go to America, you need to learn to drive. Get someone to teach you for free because in Poor Girl’s World, we ain’t got $300 to spend on some fancy drivin’ school. Also, wait till you’re over 18 so you don’t have to turn in the 150 hour sheet that minors have to give up. It’s just much easier. Also, if you’re over 18, you don’t have to wait a year to drive with your friends. Not that I ever will.

I also registered to vote so hooray for democracy! Pander to me politics! I fly back in two days.